A really bad no good day

The weather radar said no rain. The map showed no rain. I waited until the storm passed and the sun was shining when I left in my electric wheelchair and my camera bag. I brought an umbrella just in case but they sky was clear.

I go out every day to find something good. I thought I’d find raindrops. I drove my chair to the prairie and the road was closed because of flooding. All of the houses had backyards full of water. I turned to come home and it started to pour rain. POUR. My wheelchair wheel started shaking and would not stop. I think it was the wet roads and the fact that I paid $400 for new tires didn’t matter as the front tire was warped (yeah the manufacturer forgets a human will need these). I was only a mile from home. But that is 30 minutes by wheelchair that moves fast. I was inching along and the rain was blowing sideways. I opened my umbrella and realized my arm was too weak to hold it properly. I rested it on my head and tried to hold it while steering my squirrelly shaking chair. I was trying to avoid the dog poop people left in the road from their dogs and swerve around the puddles. Cars flew past me. No one slowed down. I got splashed with oil puddles. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to just start crying right there. My phone wasn’t connecting. I couldn’t call anyone. I was looking for an open garage and they were all closed!!!!!

I tried to cover my camera with a towel and bag but my electronics of my wheelchair were getting wet. I finally made it home and barreled in the front door. No one in the house even knew it was raining outside. Head phones. Fucking headphones.

Do you know what happens with soaking wet wheelchairs with dog shit and oil all over the tires? They have to be driven into the house! So i tried to wipe it off with my half dead arms and then drove it into a room and turned on the dehumidifier to try to dry out all of the electrical components of my camera and chair. I tried to crawl down the hallway to wipe up the oil streaks. But gave up and showered to try and relax the muscles that were burning in my shoulders.

As I was in my wheelchair today I kept thinking about my daughter’s suffering. I kept thinking about my suffering. Then I went through the lives of people that I have gladly been there for. I have rushed to the side of countless people in their time of need. Over and over and over again. I am a virtual dumping ground. I’ve let it happen. I want to help people. I had had a dream last night about my brother living in his facade life with his fancy restaurants and fancy cars. I thought about EVERYBODY in their fancy houses and living their fancy lives with their fancy cars that in the end call on me. Nomatter the time of day or night. I am always there. For everyone.

Yet, I drive 30 minutes in a wheelchair in the pouring rain while people splash me with mud puddles. Then go home and post their selfie showing the life they want everyone to believe they are living but not the real lives that they are crying to me about at 3 am.

There is a power in the truth that those not living it don’t know. It sucked being cold and wet and having my muscles screaming and wanting to scream my self. And that my friends is reality. Sometimes we are all alone in the pouring rain and we aren’t dancing in it because our fucking wheelchair has malfunctioned and we are stuck in a puddle with cars whizzing by!!!!!!

At least I am not living a lie…my truth is hard to hear. People don’t want to hear it. They never have. I can go to my grave knowing that I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for my daughter. I did EVERYTHING humanly possible for people in my life to feel loved and validated. I can go to my grave with no regrets. None.

Stay tuned….my truth will go on. I will never give in to what society wants from us. To have long flowing hair and spinning in dresses while laughing in the sun denying who we really are and want to be. Pretending that child molesters aren’t living next door and that our families are shaking their hands in front of others to save face and sacrifice their daughters.

Today was not a good day. Yesterday was not a good day. But it was real. I will never stop being real for those who cannot live with it. I’d rather be soaking wet with mud and have dog shit on my wheelchair and crawl down my hall all alone than live the life that those are living who have betrayed me. Every fucking day of the week.

I’ll be giving God a high five one day. Up high. Down low. Pretty sure most people who have crossed my path cannot say the same.

Photographs around my neighborhood

I took these photos around my neighborhood in my wheelchair on walks with my husband. It has been raining in Florida every day for a month so our little adventures out are short and inbetween rain bursts but still so well worth it if I catch one raindrop on a flower or a beautiful bird.

The hawk was on the corner of our house last night as we pulled into the driveway from our walk. The hawks nest is across the road in our neighbor’s front yard. The babies now have coloring to them and are losing their fluffy downy white heads.

The sandhill cranes were walking on the edge of the prairie behind our house. Their are two pairs out there now that are the Florida sandhill cranes. They stay year round. The other sandhill cranes are only here in the winter.

The woodpeckers live in our backyard and I enjoy them every moment I see them even if it’s the thousandth time!

In adventures with the husband: a walk with a hawk

As soon as I hear many birds YELLING, I know the hawk or the owl are near. Hawks and owls get yelled at a lot. The hawk was right on a fence line. I took many pictures of him as he looked at us. He was a beautiful sight. I was NOT expecting him to fly straight at us. He did. He flew directly over both our heads. I gasped and grabbed my heart. Had my husband not been there no one would have believed that hawk flew right over our heads. I was sure he was going to land on my head. It was an incredible moment. Some moments cannot be captured except with in the heart. This was one.

I took many photos of the hawk as he went for a little walk with us. He landed on a tree, then on the ground, then on an archway, then on a palmetto bush. I look at the photos and think, ok these are not the perfect depiction of this incredible creature that placed himself on the most beautiful places to be photographed. But then, some moments cannot be captured. They just are. This hawk clearly was connected to us. He landed on the palmetto bush( or some sort of palm) and a car came up. The car saw I was taking photos and actually stopped! I was on the side of the road with the camera on a monopod in my wheelchair with my husband standing next to me and that car stopped. How respectful is that!!!!! I waved him on when I thought I had enough pictures. I love others respectful of me and my little happy moments.

I thanked the beautiful hawk.

It’s funny because I had gone for a walk earlier and found a hawk feather. I hoped I would see hawk but didn’t. Instead I saw many flowers that I held in my hand. I have found holding flowers to be a new found joy. Each feels different. It’s like hugging a soft kitten but it’s a flower. I guess you’d have to be there!

Here are my photos of the day:

The first picture is him looking at us right before he flew over us

This is a completely different hawk we saw when we started our walk. He was very talkative and HUGE.

And I just cannot leave out this tiny dove hidden in the grass that I could barely see because she was just straight up preciousness.

Trying to find the calm

I woke up this morning with a heavy despondency upon me. I tried to not cry all morning and the sadness just lingered. So I took a 2 hour wheelchair walk. I was frustrated at first with the pain my shoulders, and tremor. I was frustrated that I couldn’t just go out with my two legs and go for a walk and photograph from all of the angles other people could. I was frustrated about many things. Mostly with myself. I was getting tics and tics make me feel weak. The inability to control them makes me feel weak. Weakness makes me either feel angry or vulnerable. I think I had a mix of both. It took me 2 hours to “fix” my emotions and find calm. A hawk flew up to a light pole. Then he followed me along my walk. He would fly in front of me. Then behind me. It was pretty darn cool! I have been trying to get a bluejay picture for TWO YEARS and I finally did. It was blurry. But I didn’t care. My pictures are not about clear they are about that moment and I got that moment!!!! I got up and stood underneath a tree but that hurt my legs and arms so it didn’t last but I got a really neat one shot picture of that tree from underneath it. On the way home I saw the hawk again. He landed right in front of me.

I got home, I had a brief conversation with my husband that triggered at least 1000 PTSD emotions and I had to go out AGAIN to the prairie which is the only place that I think can truly “fix” a PTSD episode. I went to see Evie the horse (she seems to always make things better) and on the way saw some deer and a redwinged black bird and a gorgeous sunset. Being able to go there has saved me many a day.

I’d like to share all of my photos of the day.

I guess, I want the person looking at them to know that, being in a wheelchair is not the same as a standing photographer. I have limitations, but don’t we all. We all can have excuses and emotions to stop us from doing what we love or what we know will calm us. I keep on pushing forward. Today was a hard day but the pictures show the moments I had of happiness. I hope you enjoy them.