Memory loss…what a ride!!!!!

OK. I have to laugh at the fact that I know I just wrote a blog post and a poem? Yeah. I cannot remember if I posted my mindful pictures from today so if I did, well…here they are again!!!!! I can’t go back and read my blog because it will give me a memory that I am supposed to remember on my own. So I have no clue if I posted these yet! Today is not a good memory day for me. Yesterday was better. It will ebb and flow and I guess halt for a few months. 

Today I got a CT of my brain to see if there are blockages that are causing the seizures. I had a Doctor appointment from my most favorite doctor ever. She listens. She hears. She processes. She acts. I adore her. I could not be in better hands than hers. One of my pupils is still affected from whatever happened to my brain from the seizures. I am still working on my seizure meds getting them to the max dose. We will not know about my memory until 6 months. I have fragmented memories. I remember everything from the past and things that people bring to my attention now. As soon as they remind me it will trigger a little memory and I go ohhh right I remember that. But some things still don’t make sense at all to me. So…that is where I am with THAT!!!!! I have some short term memory loss and long term memory loss. It is bizarre and odd. I guess whatever has caused my PTSD is not in the forefront of my memories right now because I have not been “triggered” today. At least not that I remember 🙂

From my mindful walk with my husband we found every variety of lantana. White, yellow, yellow and pink, orange, and some of them were planted and one was just randomly in a ditch. The sunset in hues of orange, pink, lavender. When I got the CT dye it felt like this burning all over my body. He said it would feel like that because it had to be pushed fast for the angiogram of my brain. The sunset reminded me of that heat. But I tried to make that memory into something good. A sunset of warmth instead of dye of heat. As long as the day ends in the sky and flowers, then I call it a good day. 

Remembering

Today, I remember yesterday. So that is much improvement. I remember what I ate, that I went for two walks with my husband, and that for a brief moment I forgot that my dog had passed away. Memories…it’s too bad I can’t forget the traumas. It is too bad I cannot pick and choose what my brain will remember and forget. Yesterday I stood while making for for my daughter, twice. I HAVE to use a barstool because my legs don’t have the endurance to stand that long. I forgot. Today my legs are very painful. But, my brain must be recovering even thought they don’t even know what happened to it after the seizures. I will share with you the pictures I took on my very mindful walk yesterday.

I left the house and almost immediately a hawk swooped down. It’s wing grazed my head and he landed right in front of me. I gasped so loudly that he looked up at me with a look of “what?!” And then he grabbed whatever food he had been headed for. At first I thought, since I had put sunglasses up on my head that maybe the hawk had mistaken them for something. 


My husband didn’t think so. He thought, like the owl, that I am just part of their world, so they move around me as if I were a tree they were flying past. 

After the hawk, two little dogs ran out to greet me behind their fence. I am the only one that they wag their tails and get excited to see. Everyone else it seems they are in protect property mode. 


The sky became dark and I came back home after five minutes and waited out the short rain


When I first went back out I was very intent on mindfulness and immedately saw this colorful leaf.


Right after came these colorful clusters of berries all over a tree on an empty lot.


Then the flowers just jumped out of everywhere. I don’t know if they have been here forever or if it was just the way the sun was shining through them that made them look so beautiful. We also came upon a group of wildflowers that I stop by every day. Weeds people will say. They are always filled wtih the most beautiful butterflies and bugs and bees. Today was bee day!


I got home to sit on the deck with my daughter just in time to hear my owl. Of every moment of disorientation and short term memory issues I have had this week, not one time did I forget my owl. I guess some things are just unforgettable. She was too high in the trees to find but I recorded her voice. Listen to this voice. I will forever be proud of her for overcoming her hard start with an injured leg. I will forever be proud of her mother for taking care of her longer than normal until she was sure she could make it on her own. I will forever be blessed to have been a part of her life for these past 7 months. Hearing her find her voice has been something I will never forget.