My blog…I try to focus on the purpose of my blog. Coping with PTSD, the ways I cope, sharing my coping, sharing my crashes, sharing my ups, sharing my life in hopes it connects to other’s lives.
Getting out of my own head and the same rolling around thoughts that send me into a tailspin is key. That is not always easy to do. I try distraction. I try mindfulness. I try prayer. I try breathing! I try photography. I try outings.
Yesterday on the way to take photos with my husband I tried to NOT let the focus be ” Will strong smells be there. Will their be people with strong perfume. Will the new mats in the car make me paranoid of wheezing and cause a chain reaction.” I was mostly successful. Right now, as excited as I am to see my husband, he is bringing home his newly refurbished bike. Will that bike kill me due to my chemical sensitivities. Will it get smells on him that will get in the house so that I have to then clean with my leg and shoulder that hurts like a BITCH today because of this stupid muscle disease? It’s like, PTSD is bad but the fear of a PTSD moment is sometimes worse for me as it is this ongoing anxiety that is never ending. I go there and then I go down down down. I get angry at those who caused it. I get angry at those who supported those who caused it (the PTSD). I think about my family that I no longer have. I feel just straight up in despair.
I was actually sitting here in my bed after a sleepless night due to muscle pain thinking ” My husband needs a different wife. He deserves to have a wife that he doesn’t have to DEAL with. All of my ISSUES.” If you ask him he would say he cherishes me and that I have all of these other good qualities and he never thinks of me as a burden. But I wish better for him.Self pity. Never good. I was thinking all of this when a hawk flew up outside my window. So I got my camera and left my bed only to realize my tremor and shoulder were not up for photography. Which made me angry. But then that hawk. He was so beautiful perched on the tree. So beautiful. His mother or father or sibling was calling him from across the yard. I could only take a few pictures but wow. He was breathtaking. I came to upload him onto my account here. I don’t look at my stats because I don’t want my blog to be about stats. I don’t want it to be about views or likes. That is too facebooky to me. But then I actually looked at them. I didn’t know you could see month to month. And APPARENTLY I used to get 6000 views a month of my blog. Now I barely get 3,000 views. I guess that is better than no views. Yet, somehow I feel like I’m just not good enough. More self pity I know but it’s true. I don’t know what about my life USED to be interesting to follow that now isn’t. I mean 3000 people aren’t just on vacation. I just hope somehow to someone I am making some sort of difference baring my soul on here. I really really do. Here is my sweet hawk friend:
As soon as I hear many birds YELLING, I know the hawk or the owl are near. Hawks and owls get yelled at a lot. The hawk was right on a fence line. I took many pictures of him as he looked at us. He was a beautiful sight. I was NOT expecting him to fly straight at us. He did. He flew directly over both our heads. I gasped and grabbed my heart. Had my husband not been there no one would have believed that hawk flew right over our heads. I was sure he was going to land on my head. It was an incredible moment. Some moments cannot be captured except with in the heart. This was one.
I took many photos of the hawk as he went for a little walk with us. He landed on a tree, then on the ground, then on an archway, then on a palmetto bush. I look at the photos and think, ok these are not the perfect depiction of this incredible creature that placed himself on the most beautiful places to be photographed. But then, some moments cannot be captured. They just are. This hawk clearly was connected to us. He landed on the palmetto bush( or some sort of palm) and a car came up. The car saw I was taking photos and actually stopped! I was on the side of the road with the camera on a monopod in my wheelchair with my husband standing next to me and that car stopped. How respectful is that!!!!! I waved him on when I thought I had enough pictures. I love others respectful of me and my little happy moments.
I thanked the beautiful hawk.
It’s funny because I had gone for a walk earlier and found a hawk feather. I hoped I would see hawk but didn’t. Instead I saw many flowers that I held in my hand. I have found holding flowers to be a new found joy. Each feels different. It’s like hugging a soft kitten but it’s a flower. I guess you’d have to be there!
Here are my photos of the day:
The first picture is him looking at us right before he flew over us
This is a completely different hawk we saw when we started our walk. He was very talkative and HUGE.
And I just cannot leave out this tiny dove hidden in the grass that I could barely see because she was just straight up preciousness.