Parenting

“But you had your brother”

It was not my brother’s job to monitor me, protect me, keep me safe, or be responsible for me. Did anyone tell him to be? I’m pretty sure no one sat him down and told him this was his sole job to protect his sister. I’m not saying that I don’t wish he had some sort of affinity for me and wanted to look out for me. I’m not saying that siblings should not want to and try to look out for each other. But it is NOT THEIR JOB. You cannot ask another child to be responsible for another child.

My mom sent me to ski camp because I had my brother. My mom sent me to another state to a waterskiing job when I was under the age of 18 because I had my brother.

My mom told her friend “ what was I supposed to do? Look for a pedophile around ever tree?” Well mom…maybe had you looked around say….ONE TREE? But even if you had you’d have missed the other 13.

And no, my mother could not have predicted that she was sending her daughter off into a deep pedophile group of men but maybe had she paid a little bit of attention…

Here are a few parenting tips:

Don’t send your 11 year old over to a 50 year old’s house alone.

Don’t send your 12 year old to a waterski camp with JUST their twin brother. (One little girl a TONS of men alone. So irresponsible.)

Don’t assume that one sibling will protect the other sibling. What happens when one falls asleep???? What happens when one has to go to the bathroom???

Which leads me to sibling rivalry. I’ve watched parent after parent allow siblings to berate each other. I’ve watched parents let siblings physically fight. “Kids fight” they say. NO, you LET them fight. They should be punished for such behavior. It is your job as a parent to raise children that respect and honor each other and would do everything to protect them from bullying. Not that that would be their job but they would want to rise to the occasion if it were in front of them. You can’t expect it, but you can teach it. “He’s just expressing his anger.” Really? Because when my brother expressed his anger towards me as a child my nana spanked him! (I’m not addressing spanking here just using it as a point). I don’t think he was really taught to love me or care about me though. Just spanking him wasn’t teaching him. He threw a clock at my face when we were little. Don’t know what the consequences were for that but I still have the scar on my face from it that pisses me off. So THIS brother was sent off with me to protect me? Yeah, smart move guys. Really great parenting.

You’ve got the victim, the criminal, and the scenario. Take one away and there is nothing. THINK. As parents it is OUR job to keep our children safe. I have done everything humanely possible to make sure that happens. It is out of my control what happens when my daughter goes to the movies but we’ve discussed her going with a group of girls and going to the bathroom with another girl and never walking to her car alone.

We can give them the tools they need and hope and pray A LOT. But to just say eh her brother’s with her she’ll be fine doesn’t work. It DIDN’T work! It was not his job but if they wanted it to be they should have at least told him that.

I’ve heard many people say you cannot blame the parents. In some cases you absolutely can. If you have narcissistic parents, abusive parents, neglectful parents, yes you can. And who does blame help? It helps the victim realize it was not their fault. Someone can take the blame. That blame may even be spread out among many. Mostly ofcourse the criminal. But I will tell you that one criminal would not have had the chance to get to me had my parents not handed me over again and again and again and put me in scenario after scenario where each one of them had even more opportunity. You mix that with no communication, lack of trust, lack of boundaries or no boundaries with siblings, and where is the victim to go? To the parents who are too busy at wine tasting parties? To a brother who doesn’t give two shits?

If you choose to have a child you have a huge responsibility. I have taken that responsibility very seriously. We had open communication. We had written communication. We had journals we would write back and forth in if there was something too hard to say verbally. We had boundaries. We had rules. We taught her about safety. We protected her. My parents cannot say the same and they don’t even know the half of what happened to me. They are too busy blaming me. Can’t blame the victim. Doesn’t work that way.

I looked at a photo earlier and thought there was really no hope for me looking at it. Surrounded by men who had abused me and others who covered it up and others who did not care. Then I looked at it again and realized there was SO much hope. All it would have taken is my mother not leaving me alone with these men. Had I never been left alone with them…it never would have happened. Any of it. None of it.

I hope my story makes ONE PARENT LISTEN. I hope one parent reads my story and thinks twice before doing what my mother did.

11 thoughts on “Parenting

  1. In some of the abuse which happened my brother took the part of egging friends on, portraying me as a lier or looking away so he could still play with the friends who abused me. Even when sibblings look ‘good’ together, I would not underestimate their ability to harm eachother.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agreed!!!!!!
      I’m very sorry that happened with your brother.
      And his friends.
      Awful.
      In so many families it seems the father or brother or someone that is supposed to protect you harms you. Or if someone else harms you and they are supposed to come in and protect you they don’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry this happened to you! And I so agree. My parents very rarely let us siblings take care of each other and when they did there was a lot of communication and instruction. I’ve also had experiences I had to heal from, but they happened at school. So couldn’t really blame my parents for that. Also I was taught well enough that the incidents never escalated and were never repeated. Two different people, two different incidents and they never happened again because I told someone about it and found ways to distance myself from the perpetrators. Had my parents not had told me its ok to say no if you’re uncomfortable, its important to tell them if someone touches me or says something inappropriate to me, that I should never feel ashamed for someone else’s bad behavior….it could have been so much worse.

    Like

    1. I’m so sorry you had those things happen at school by multiple people. That’s just awful. How incredibly strong of you to tell someone. I’m so glad you had the parents that you did to educate you and watch over you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like your mother did about as good a job looking out for you as mine did 😦 I agree, siblings should never be expected to take on parenting or guardianship roles for other siblings, but unfortunately, it is far too common.

    Liked by 1 person

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