Tw on language and topic of rape in marriage
A woman I used to know told me long ago that her husband used to come home every day for “lunch” and by lunch he meant sex. She was exhausted and could have taken a nap during that time. She had many children. It’s been over 12 years since I heard that story and to this day it bothers me. I think of him as a rapist. I would never ask her if she told him no. A woman should not have to SAY no. A man should know when a woman with a house full of children is exhausted and not push his needs on her. Still. It disgusts me. A woman does not have to say no. A man KNOWS what he is doing. She would tell me that eventually it would be ok after awhile of sex and she would participate. Eventually. But she would tell me how much she just wanted to take a nap and how tired she was. It made me so so sad for her.
This is how I will start this blog post. A woman should not have to be convinced to have sex with her husband. A woman should not have to be pressured or guilted into having sex with her husband. She is under no obligation to fulfill what he deems his needs. The idea that a woman that did not want to have sex would have a man kissing all over her anyway to try and “get her in the mood”. I mean what IS that?!!! Disgusting. A woman either wants to have sex or she does not. Period. I look at that man still and think of him as the lunch time rapist. If a woman DOES actually say, “ I’m too tired,” or “ I’m not in the mood,” or “ Another day,” the mans only response is, “ OK honey.” So many times that is not the man’s response.
Rape happens in marriages. Every day. I’m guessing in other countries far more than the United States but I am sure it is prevalent everywhere. For some reason when a man marries a woman, some men, then believe that he owns her. She is obligated to have sex with him. They have lots of tricks of coercion and make no mistake coercion is exactly what it is. How could any man that claims to love his wife think that manipulation tactics to get her to have sex with him make it consensual. It repulses me. When sex involves dominance and submission, and when only one party is actually interested in sex that is rape. Unless ofcourse you are one of those SandM kind of people and if so then just get off my blog right now. I have no place in my life for that sick shit. I know that some abuse victims take part in that but I am not one of them nor do I want to hear about it. I don’t believe that a person wants to be beaten, tied up, and raped as part of sex and label that SandM. I’ve lived through that in the past and he knew I wanted no part in it and did it anyway. I was so broken I could not fight or say no so I just layed there and he did what he wanted. I consider that rape as well. I was not willing. I was dead inside. I was not moving on the outside. He knew that yet did it anyway. So if you are stuck in that cycle of sex it has no place here on my blog as I got myself away from that bastard and have no plans to revisit those thoughts again.
I feel as if women think they have lost their right to their own body when they get married. That is why I am writing this. Your body is still yours. If you don’t want to have sex with your husband you don’t have to. You can have sex on your own terms that are agreed upon. If you are a survivor of abuse the last thing you need is to allow your husband to have sex with your dissociated body. It is not healthy or a part of the healing path. AND even if you are having the wonderful sexual experience with your husband ever and all of a sudden something happens to trigger you into a bad place you get to say stop. You get to say no. If your husband knows you, loves you, respects you, you will not have to say a word because he will know that you are nolonger there. I went into my marriage with both of us knowing the consequences of the abuse I had endured. Some people are just realizing this in their marriage. That is ok. There is never a bad time to say NO. And rewrite the rules of engagement.
I’ve heard stories of men who quote the bible, that’s a pretty bad low to get your wife to have sex with you! I’ve heard stories of men threatening to cheat IF…
Listen, your body is yours. It’s yours. You own it. You make the rules for it. Nobody touches it without your consent. A piece of paper does not negate your rights.
I wonder how many men respect their wives on the level that my husband respects me.
I wonder how many men put their wife first and not their own dick.
I wonder how many men want to help their wives heal from abuse and work with them on ways to do that.
I just have a feeling not many.
I would like to say I am fortunate. But why do I have to be fortunate. Shouldn’t all men be like my husband? Why is he so special because his dick doesn’t rule his life, the love he feels for his wife does. What I’m trying to say is there should be no stories where a husband is anything other than what my husband is, a respectful, compassionate, man.
I hate to think of the woman who gets raped for lunch. And who has chosen to accept that. Who is brainwashed enough to think that it is her duty. Who is caught in the cycle. Women can take back their bodies at any point. For me it took knowing I never wanted to feel that way ever again. That feeling. We all know it if we have been abused. I never wanted to feel that way again. When I got married my husband knew that and respects that.
Rape is rape whether it is your uncle, your husband, a stranger, a woman, your spouse, your partner.
I just felt I needed to write a blog to address this. It could be applied to a spouse that is a man or woman, man and man, woman and woman. In my case it is written from a heterosexual point of view but can be applied to any one.
Sex should be consensual mind body and spirit or it should not be happening at all. Period. End of story.