Lets not let others dictate the rules of our healing

*no specific details but possible tw for trigger words

Sometimes there is no “why” or “purpose” or “lesson” in a tragedy. There are those who may try to impose a profound search for you to undertake to identify this “reason”. “What is the lesson you can learn?” Sometimes there will be the religious approach of “It was God’s will,” or “This was all part of God’s plan,” all of which do NOTHING for the person going through the tragedy. “Really.” I’d like to ask. “You think God wanted me to hurt? Wanted murder, rape, devastation, loss?” Everyone has an opinion. We have those who say, “It isn’t what happened to you it is what you do with it.” There is always a cliche, a quote, something we, as victims, MUST do to understand and move forward in a life changing way. As if the rape itself was not life changing enough we must now embark on a path to enlightenment BECAUSE of the rape.

What IF there are just evil people in the world?

What IF it was not part of God’s plan or any plan?

What IF there was no reason or lesson and bad things simply happen?

Why do I have to make some sort of sense out of tragedy?

Why do others question me TO make sense out of a tragedy?

Why can’t it just suck! Be awful! Be a tragedy!

Why can’t others just accept that sometimes bad things happen with no purpose! They only happened because, on this earth bad people exist!

Personally, I’d like to hear, “ I wish that person didn’t even exist to be able to hurt another human being.” But then I’d hear, “ But we all have a purpose here and everyone has some part of them that is good.” I beg to differ.

“You wouldn’t be the you that you are if that didn’t happen.”

Who in the HELL came up with that! Before abuse every happened I would watch a butterfly, a flower, a bug, for hours. I am the me now that I have always been. Being molested did not somehow give me the identity that would not have had without it. How insane. How absurd.

I DO look for the good on this earth, the flowers, nature, love that others give. I do choose to find beauty on this earth. I choose that not because of a lesson I learned. I choose that not because an evil human being chose to harm me.

What I am saying is that I can be me and choose to do what I do because of simply being me. NOT because I am overcoming the bad, learning the lesson in life of choosing good, finding a reason to love in the face of injustice. I am being the me that I have always been. It is unfortunate that I have encountered evil during my precious time on earth. It is a tragedy that another human being, many infact, chose to inflict harm on me. But I don’t NEED to spend my time searching for the why, reason, lesson in why they did that. THEY WERE EVIL. That’s it. I wish they did not exist to inflict this evil. I wish for all of the innocent victims of criminals that those criminals just did not exist. Trying to find good in what was done seems futile to me. It seems pathetic that I would try to find some life lesson, or profound insight into being molested, abandoned, abused, etc. Can’t it just be what it is? Unjust! Evil! Criminal! Heinous!

A woman was raped in my town this past week. She was using a medical transport service and the man transporting her raped her. Reading about this in the news infuriated me beyond words. Do you KNOW how many times I have asked someone for a ride and they just disregard my need and defer me to medical transport. “ Just use medical transport!” I have explained to everyone who has ever blown me off as an inconvenience with the facts of medical transport. They are always late. Individuals who use them always miss their appointments. Many of them are criminals. I know these as facts because I used to work in a nursing home and I watched day after day these patients miss their appointments they waited on for 6 months. I ran the names of many drivers to find they had criminal records (public records in our county lists names and crimes). After watching this for 8 years, then I became unable to drive. Not being able to drive AND being helpless with a muscle disease AND being vulnerable triggering PTSD is not a good scenario for trusting a random stranger to drive you! No one understands that. I thought about all of this after hearing of this girl being raped by a medical transport driver.

I could list the link but it would be disrespectful to her as it was stated she had the mental capacity of a child so I don’t think her name should have even been published.

But it got me thinking of all of these bullshit comments of lessons and reasons and why this and why that and what we are to learn. Well I can assure you that this poor sweet girl that needed a ride and was then raped by this evil man will not learn anything from this experience. There was not some grand plan for her by God to teach her anything profound. There was just an evil man who does not deserve to exist on this earth who chose to take away what little she has. My heart goes out to her in the true meaning of profound. Deeply and wholeheartedly do I feel for this girl. The idea someone would utter the words, “ part of God’s plans” send me into a fury that you could not imagine.

Or a lesson.

And if that lesson would be for others? Well if so, the right fucking person did not get the memo! If so we would never have had the metoo movement, we would not still have children being mutilated in other countries and trafficked everywhere. NOTHING has changed YET. Women have spoken and that is wonderful. I have spoken and I am aware of my own courage in doing that. AND this girl in my town would not have had a rapist driving her! Why is our entire town not in an outrage, laws being changed immediately?!!!! Yeah, because the right people aren’t learning their lessons apparently. Lessons…

There is no lesson for victims of rape. It is insensitive and cruel to make that assumption. It is wrong to make a victim look for any sense in a senseless crime!

The only reason is the evil existence of certain individuals that commit these crimes.

My only proof of a lesson will be the change in others, punishments, laws, justice, that I have yet to see.

I can’t get my own family to give a shit about what happened to me. Most of my blog readers have their own families that have done the same or inflicted the abuse on them.

So I can safely and firmly say the lesson is NOT for me or any victim. The “plan” was not for us to be harmed. The goal is NOT for us to sit around and ponder why this happened and how we can change the world! The world knows what is going on. Those in power and capable of making the real changes, which would create a JUST society, are not doing it.

All of the lessons are for them if you want to, in fact, point a finger at someone that needs a lesson. At what point will they wake up? If I cannot get my own mother, brother, family to give a shit, then how can I get a congressman or a senator or legislator or justice system to make rape matter enough to change.

Watch the news and things come and go. Guns, mental illness, mental health, guns, women speaking out against their rapists.

I have heard endlessly about what a victim should do. What I, as a victim, need to do. Whether it is to forgive, or find reason, or how to cope, etc. And it seems the victims now need to be responsible to rise up and fight for all the other victims. We need to be the ones who make the changes. God, have we not been through enough, fought enough, endured enough. We can’t even call ourselves victims anymore. There are rules on that too. We are survivors! Nope, can’t say victim, must say survivor.

I think about the girl in my town raped by some piece of shit inhumane individual and I think enough is enough with all of these words.

There is a lot of evil out there in this world. I, for one, am tired. I’m ready for all the quoters and the word throwers, and the cowards, and the apathetic, and those who have been voted in office of power to be the ones to actually DO something. It is time for THEM to change. It is time for THEIR lesson.

And for those who choose to tell a victim of a crime that their was a reason…please, shut the fuck up. We didn’t ask for your thoughts or words of ignorance. We didn’t ask to be molested. We don’t need unwanted advise. Maybe lets just start with our own parents doing the right thing and move up from there. Because from where I stand, or sit in my wheelchair, a lot of change needs to happen and that change does not need to be started by a victim. I started this blog, as a victim, hoping to help other victims. Thinking of that now, it makes me outraged, furious, that victims are left helping other victims because the rest of society REFUSES to change. Really, it’s time. 2018. No girl that gets transported in a medical transport should be in fear of or actually be raped. The fact that this is happening is proof that society has failed on all accounts. From the mothers to the legislators…failed.

I’ll be waiting, as I look at my flowers and butterflies, living with a muscle disease and PTSD, coping the best I can as a victim of abuse that has impacted my daily life but has not changed the person I have always been, being there for other victims, waiting, for society to change.

Victim to victim, it’s not your job to DO anything else for anyone else. It was their job to protect us and they did not. It was their job to make justice happen. They did not. This is on ALL of them. Not us. Lets be easy on ourselves. Lets not allow others to dictate the rules of our healing. At some point society must change or it will self destruct. It is not our job to change the world today. A revolution of voices has begun. I am part of that revolution as I have spoken my truth. I will be waiting to see what society does with that. I won’t be looking for a lesson to why I was molested or why no one who was supposed to save me did. I will be watching the flowers and the butterflies. I cannot waste my breath on those incapable of change. I can have a sliver of hope that some part, any part, of society, will one day, be just.

14 thoughts on “Lets not let others dictate the rules of our healing

    1. I’m over free passes for well intended comments though. I think I became over them after being in a wheelchair and hearing them constantly. So much that when it came to being a victim I realized them and was aware of them more and just simply no longer accept them. Because you are so right. Is is secondary victimization in its traumatizing affect and I’m done with it and putting my foot down to it. Which is pretty much why I wrote this. Thank you for commenting

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d like to meet the asshole that came up with that one, just to congratulate them on being the worlds biggest douche bag!


  1. My head is spinning. So much I want to say to you, but I also don’t want to interrupt you. This shit is gripping! Bethanyk — you should start a cult, if you haven’t done so already. If you have, count me in with both feet! 🙂

    I almost never use the word awesome without irony, but I will now: this post is awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

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