Seeking perfection

I was sitting outside this morning taking photos of birds when I started to feel nausea, dizzy, and my skin was burning. I had no idea why but since I have multiple health problems I thought I must have been having some sort of reaction. My heart started pounding. I was looking through my camera and saw a man next door. I zoomed in and he had a respirator face mask on and was spraying pesticides. I was mortified. The wind was blowing it it was affecting me intensely.

I went in, showered, put my clothes in the wash and immediately called my doctor. My heart rate was 140.

When a person like me with Lyme disease and a low immune system, has multiple chemical sensitivities, even the smell of gasoline or nail polish can cause a serious reaction. My doctor got right back to me and I had to take activated charcoal to flush out anything that had made it in my body.

I felt so angry. I was planning to put the bird seed all in the front yard and watch the birds while the neighbor was poisoning everything in his yard. I watched out of my window as he sprayed all the way over to my favorite flower that had finally bloomed after 14 years. I guess I would not be taking any more pictures of that as I cannot even go near that part of my own yard.

What is this need for perfection. Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect body, perfect green grass. At what cost? Killing all of the bees? Killing the good insects as well as the bad? Contaminating our well!!!!! Why?!! Making someone like me who is already suffering have to take charcoal which will then flush my seizure meds. Talk about anxiety provoking…for grass. Here I am trying to be in nature and the neighors are killing it AND ME. I mean a gas mask basically.

After drinking the amount of water required with the charcoal late in the afternoon I went out of the garage in my wheelchair so as to not go near that part of the yard and went around the opposite block. I did not have to go far before I saw this majestic hawk. He was on a light pole. I went right up to him. He was just…beautiful beyond words. He looked at me and cocked his head as I talked to him for about 30 minutes. After a very unpleasant morning I wanted to share with you what I’d like to end my day with. A real gift. The hawk. I took over 300 pictures of him. I had to choose a few to post. His little foot was tucked up and looks like it is sticking out of his stomach I thought was just adorable. He was quite a sight. He, like the owl, sat quietly while I talked and watched and spoke of the awe I felt in his presence. Such beauty is hard to find words for.

If I were to seek perfection it would not be in a perfect green lawn, or the perfect society standard breasts, or the latest trendy clothes. Perfection, to me, is being in the presence of this hawk and knowing what a gift that was.

24 thoughts on “Seeking perfection

  1. When I saw the hawk pics on FB I had not known the backstory yet.
    I got so angry for you as I read this. If you have to put a frickin’ hazmat suit on, does it not compute how harmful it is?

    I hate all these pesticides and herbicides. They are poison. And from what I understand they make a buggy situation worse in the long run. Not sure how that works, but I read it somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great pictures of the hawk, Bethany. Perfect lawns indeed! I think that we should let Mother Nature decide which plants dominate our properties. I’m sorry you had to suffer from the spraying done next door.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our yard was left how we bought it. My parents bout st Augustine grass for the front yard that bugs promptly ate so we planted more trees and it is what it is now!
      I love tat hawk so much.
      My heart rate is still really high but im doin what the doctor told me to do hopefully by tomorrow willl be better


  3. I am sensitive to chemicals and foods. My legs used to bloat up when I walked past a perfume counter at the store. If someone wore perfume on the bus, I got sick. I tried charcoal, but it gave me a headache. I’m stronger now because of the anti-histamines/cold pills I take.

    I absolutely hate the fact people want perfect lawns. I read once that lawns take 70% of a city’s water. Yet people have lawns all over California, Arizona etc. It just shows how irrational humans are. No one in California should have a lawn. They could have beautiful rocks and cactus. No one plays on a front lawn! There should be artificial lawns in back yards.

    Our city quit using herbicides and pesticides years ago and asked the public to do that too. Yes, the parks have dandelions and other weeds along with the grass, but the mower just mows them down. I notice though, that our apartment people spray the lawns, even though there are children all over the place.


    1. I am so dumb ugh. I am so glad you posted this. My husband got home last night for last night and today and i had to wash his laundry and it all smelled fragrant and made me feel so ill and I never thought about taking an antihistamine. Thank you soooo much. I am going to take one right now!!!
      Our city sprays the town for mosquitos with a foggier. Thankfully we are out of the city limits in the county but neighbors still do and since we all have wells it goes right into them. It seems so illogical.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I felt especially well for two days and wondered why. Then I remembered it had snowed those two days. The air was cleaned and the grass covered. I think of myself as allergic to the world.

        I take two Benedryl Total in the morning and two at night. Makes a huge difference in my life. Anti-histamines aren’t good enough alone. Cold medication does wonders. I learned that from a doctor online and he was right, it works. I don’t know why. Total has both an antihistamine and sinus med. in it.


      2. I’m trying it tonight. I asked the pharmacist and he said Claritin can mix with my seizure meds and benadryl but it will make me tired which is fine by me.

        Liked by 1 person

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