Nightmares/seizures/PTSD after affect

I am like one of those geckos that need a heat lamp. My skin is warmed by my husband’s body temperature but as soon as I move a chill goes straight to the bone. I have no desire or delight in the idea of seeing the sun beam on a flower or the sun on my skin. I have no poetry or thought in my mind. It is as if my brain is just a vast desert of sand. Just sand. And my brain is too big for my skull so it is pressing on the back of my head trying to burst out and the pressure makes me want to scream. My right eye ball is pulsing and aching. Anxiety is filling every part of part of me with no thought what-so-ever. I am covered in layers of blankets but cannot get warm. Even the heating blanket is set on the hottest setting but is making no difference. I arm writing this with one eye as my head is covered in a blanket.

I tried to go out earlier with my husband but the smells were overwhelming. Even he smelled them and validated the permeating nature of their smell but then I now smell things I don’t exist except within a brain that is scrambled.

I woke up this morning to a nightmare and a seizure. Did the nightmare cause the seizure? Who knows. My medication should have prevented that. I should have known based on the PTSD moments I have had in the last few days, the smells that my daughter has not confirmed exist even though they are no doubt in my nose. I should have known it was coming. But I did not so I woke up covered in sweat and urine shivering. I took my pill that was supposed to fix all of this. Why didn’t it? Because I decided to restart the Lyme disease treatment? Does that mean the Lyme is causing the seizure and killing the Lyme causes more? These are answers I fear I will never know the answer to.

So I lay here in bed feeling forlorn, dull, despondent, devoid of anything but cold. I wonder if the end of my story will actually be a good ending or bad. It would be a shame if it ended badly after everything I have been through. I’d love to give all those who never fought for me, never supported me, never contributed to my healing, recovery, and safety a big ole fuck you because I’m well even though you did nothing! But I don’t know if that will be the case. I honestly at this point have no idea what will happen to me. I don’t know what to treat, what is the next step, and I honestly don’t even care. I’d just like to get warm.

11 thoughts on “Nightmares/seizures/PTSD after affect

      1. I hope you have a good llmd who can work out a treatment plan that’s going to limit the seizures – such as lower antibiotic dosage, etc.
        Btw, did you know that ketogenic diet was developped as a treatment for epilepsy, with a high rate of success in limiting the number of epileptic seizures? Maybe it could help you. I don’t know much of what you have done in terms of treatments – but I know that doctors don’t know everything and that you have to help yourself. That’s why I believe in sharing info on different approaches to various diseases, the kind of info that gets overlooked by mainstream medicine. 🙂


      2. I do. She has been working with me for 4 years now. We are now at a point of heavy metals and parasites and trying to decide which to eradicate first since i have no cd-57 and immmunity is shot. So treating the seizures makes them worse but not treating them makes them worse. It is a very hard call. I was doing banderol and samento but then i took a break once i started anti epileptic meds and then when i started treatment again i had another seizure. We considered low doxy treatment. I will see her in two weeks to reevaluate now.
        She is pretty well rounded but i appreciate your thoughts and advice. I have tried so many diets for this. It is very very frustrating on year 4 of going through all of the herbs and antibiotics and treating coinfections and now dealing with the seizures. Very overwhelming.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. It is very disheartening to be sick every day. Especially with what you are going through. At least my husband and I know what helps us, but you and your doctor are not all that sure about treatment.

    I don’t believe you could ever end badly, even if you die tomorrow. You are a person of integrity, kindness and compassion. You belong to God. How could any end you have on this stupid planet be bad? No. It doesn’t matter what those people think, the ones who hurt you. They are the blind leading the blind. They are the ones the Bible says call evil good and good evil. I think, anyway. I mean I’m no judge. God is judge, but he also says, “We will know them by their fruits.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bethany. I am sorry you feel so lousy. I am thinking of you and I hope you will feel better from this soon. I know it’s not easy for you. You are far stronger than you sometimes think you are. Try not to fight those feelings or the symptoms. Rest, stay warm, sleep, self nurture. Use your tools to ground you to Mother Earth, and ask for Divine intervention to support you while you feel so vulnerable. You are in many of our thoughts on here. Sending you warmest wishes. 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.