SoCS: Ink

I read the ink of my mother pen as she wrote about me in my baby book.

I recognize this handwriting.

I recognize this mother.

I just wonder…

Did she know when she wrote this that she would one day stop loving me…

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Nov. 25/17


31 thoughts on “SoCS: Ink

  1. “Temperamental and demanding” are pretty harsh descriptors for a 1-2 years old. All 1-2 year olds are like that! And presumably if she “rarely” spanked you at 5 when you were “sweet”, she did it more frequently when you were younger and behaved in a less appealing way. That those are the things she has chosen to remember and write down for posterity, out of all the possible adorable things a mother could say about their little child, says a lot to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, I wanted to comment on your post yesterday and just let you know I was thinking of you but I forgot my log in. Anyway. Thinking of you!


      1. I have struggled since contact from my abuser. It’s annoying me that it’s got to me like this, but I can’t help being affected I guess. 😔😔


      2. Ofcourse you can’t help it!!!!! That is extremely trigggering and takes your mind and body and spirt back to a terrible time and then you have to claw your way back to the here and now and it is not easy at all.
        I am so so sorry you are hurting. It seems normal that you would be. I know though it gets so old to be so affected and wish you werent. I am like that a lot. Like WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME. But deep down i know the depths of the pain that was caused and any triggering type of experience reminds me and it is just pretty simple really that it is hard to come back from that.
        I’m feeling for you. Thinking of you!!!!!


  2. I had colic too! My mother told me that when I’d cry (because of the colic) she’d just feed me some more. (Probably the same crap that was making me colicky in the first place.)

    I think babies get colicky because they aren’t able to digest what they are being fed.

    Were you breast fed?

    I wasn’t, although my mother claimed to have tried and said I didn’t like it. I would call bullshit on that now, but my point is that eating whatever crap they put in baby formula isn’t freaking natural and it’s not alive with the beneficial bacteria and colostrum we need from our mothers. Is it any wonder that a baby would have stomach cramps if they’re not being fed what they should be eating.

    This topic of colic brings me back to thoughts I had years ago about how the lack of being breast fed could possibly have contributed to some of my issues. Not only is it a way for baby and mother to bond, but also there are things in breast milk that build our immune systems. If we don’t get that as babies, I imagine our immune systems are at a disadvantage.

    Those notes are so judgmental. It reads like you didn’t have a chance with her. I mean, what 1-2 year old isn’t demanding. There are stages of growth. It’s not unusual for such a small child to “want her mama.”

    So you were bad because you wanted attention and felt sick from the food you were being fed and then you were good when you were able to go off on your own and be happy about it.

    Discouraging natural emotions. 😦 And the spanking thing, smh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So apparently I was allergic to breast milk. Which is not true. So they gave me goats milk and have always said i smelled like a farm animal as a child. Yippy. Thanks for that. Truth is i was a twin and at 40 weeks pregnant they didnt know i existed and i was only 4lbs full term so i was missing a lot. Later in life found out i had a hole in my spine due to lack of folic acid as a baby.
      I breast fed my daughter for years. If you are determined you will find a way. I had breast infections. She was sick and needed her kidney removed and we still found a way to make it work because i did not give up!!!! For the first year of her life she had nothing but breast milk due to her kidney removal and then we introduced food but still nursed her another year.
      Until that post was commented on I never even read what she wrote and realized there were so many undertones. You should read my daughter’s baby book. It’s as if i thought she was the next president/brilliant baby/ change the world with her magnificent self child. But my daughter is special. She is very compassionate and loving towards animals and has great intuition of people and has great boundaries and is strong in spirit. Very cool girl. I got my degree in child development so reading those words from her now just piss me off. Once I became sweet bethany and shut the fuck up then i was praised. How it has always been. Stand up for herself bethany is to be shut up. The even idea that someone like me would be spanked is unreal. I never hurt a thing in my life.
      Thanks for all of your thoughts on this. I really do appreciate your insight


      1. I am so sorry you had such a shitty mother. Am I allowed to say that? I always sort of hold back on such judgment…like you know, talking about someone’s mother is off limits. It’s just so fucked up, the more I read, how neglectful this woman was of you. It’s beyond wrong. And I’m beyond sad about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You can say whatever you want. I always value your thoughts and you help me see things for how they truly are and not how I was brainwashed to see them. Or how my mind minimized them.
        It is fucked up. And she does suck and she is shitty!!!
        I mean everything about it from beginning to end is shitty.
        It made me really sad last night . Like cry sad. Which is odd for me. But she has broken my heart more than anyone because she has not done right by her daughter.


      3. You have done the same for me…pointed out things that I minimized or even didn’t see at all. I would have to say that my mother has broken my heart more than anyone else I know too. I’m sorry you cried. I’m sorry you’re so sad.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ok I want to clarify…I did NOT mean that in a condescending way. After posting I thought that it might come off that way.

        I just mean that it’s sad that a woman can have a baby and then just sabotage her entire life.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I just woke up at 3 in the afternoon. I think I am sickly which SUCKS because when I get a normal virus on top of what I already hav it is just so awful. I thought i was just tired from being emotional last night but i stood up and sure enough as soon as I started doing things felt dizzy and congested. So i re started all of my lyme treatment since it is an anti viral and anti bacterial in hopes it helps whatever this is to wipe it out. Maybe this is why my leg hurt so badly last night. When i feel helpless it comes from a lot of pain and then that leads to emotional and then sometimes i miss the fact that I am actually coming down with something!
        Your posts never come off the wrong way btw. They are always perfect


      6. Yeah, that sucks on all accounts. I hope that medicine works. And hope you feel better.
        Also, sending a hug in response to all these comments. I’m glad I don’t come off the wrong way. Don’t hesitate to tell me if I do say something outta line though. It can be difficult to get tone from type.


      7. You’ve never come off the wrong way. I imagine your voice when I read your comments and it is always loving and thoughtful and full of feeling typically the same feelings I feel you feel the same and sometimes you show feeling I don’t even realize I amfeeling until you say it

        Liked by 1 person

      8. This comment gave me goosebumps. It’s hard not to feel something when I read your posts. They are so full of one sort of emotion or another and at times more than one emotion.

        My voice, haha, yeah, sometimes it’s a bit agitated, like when I’m angry at something you wrote or has a tone of “wtf?” But always loving/compassionate toward you when I comment here.


    1. No. It was not.
      I was in labor for 3 days with my daughter and let me tell you it was the greatest accomplishment of my life to give birth to such an incredible being such as my daughter. I cannot imagine a mother making a child feel badly for a badge I wear with pride! She was sick her first 4 months of life until we discovered finally she needed her kidney removed. All I wanted was her to be well. That is all I cared about. She has been sick now for 4 years. Nothing matters but her and her happiness and staying strong to take care of her. I just cannot imagine it any other way. She said she felt badly the other day that I had to take care of her while having the muscle disease that I do. I told her don’t EVER feel badly. All I ever wanted in this life was my precious daughter. Taking care of her is an honor and privilege and it is what a mother who unconditionally loves does.
      I cannot imagine it any other way.
      Which is why having a mother who would just walk away is something that someone could explain to me for a million years and I will never understand. I can never understand the heart of a mother who thinks only of herself. Ever.
      I believe they are all the same yes. The narcissistic ones. And the ones that unconditionally love. The ones that truly love know what it is like to be a mother. The ones that think only of themselves have no clue what motherhood is about. What a loss for them, for me, for you, to not have the kind of love we deserved.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. She chose to not love you and that’s her problem not yours. You deserved better than that, but you have a choice either to dwell there or move forward. You’ve chosen to move forward I think. I love you and I couldn’t be prouder of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your mother come off as cold in what she wrote. I’m sorry she was and is an uncaring mother. I cannot conceive of how she could turn away from you when you told her of the abuse from that horrible man. It is a crazy, horrible way of acting.


    1. I’m so glad I posted it because I never read it that way and I love how other’s comments allowed me to see that she really did not change but was the same all along.

      Liked by 1 person

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