I visited this horse every week for a year. Until she bit my arm and injured me. I loved her. I trusted her. I have no idea why she did what she did and I never will. The point is, I could never trust her again. I decided I would not go back to the farm. She had tainted the joy I felt there. I then forgot, after the seizure that she had even bitten me. So I went back to the farm and she came no where near me. I visited the other animals. Something left me uneasy. My family informed me of what happened and I looked through my pictures and although I cannot recall everything that happened I do remember the bite.
I decided that I needed to go back to the farm and address this. I could not let one event of bad take away the good. I also could not go on visiting a farm with animals with no safety measures and no boundaries. So I brought someone with me who watched every animal as I addressed the horse. She came up to me and tried to nuzzle up to me and love on me like she used to. But once bitten…
I told her that I could no longer trust her. That I would not embrace her or kiss on her or love on her. It was her choice to bite me and it was my choice to implement boundaries for my own safety. I could no longer trust her. So, I broke ties with her. I reached out my hand and touched the top of her hand while being monitored and protected and I told her that all ties were broken. She would not control me or give me fear or take away my joy of seeing the other animals.
That, in my own way, was forgivness. I no longer have ties, I no longer have attachment, I will no longer let you hurt me, I will no longer let you give me fear or pain or sadness. You will no longer take away my joy. I let you go.
I know. This was only a horse. But it was my way of implementing and practicing boundaries, safety, and awareness. All of these things are important in recovery from abuse. Even if it starts with a horse.
After that I went back to the farm. I went with someone who could keep an eye on the horse while I pet the donkey. Even then I was aware. I was cautious. But I was peaceful. I felt joy and happiness. So here are a few of my moments. Finishing with a video that I hope posts. This blog post has locked up 5 times now. They are butterflies. Over 20 of them ….quite a reward I would say.