Sunday I ended up going to the Emergency physicians because more seizures were coming. Thankfully they took me right back and got medication in me right as another seizure was coming. They also gave me two bags of fluid to get rid of any after affects of my body violently shaking such as lactic acid and CK which can damage muscle tissue. I completly hate ER pictures where people have the IV in. Like NO. So I took this cute photo
Did I not swipe the cutest sandals on the way out of the door from my daughter or what!!! And I bring my own sheet because I don’t want to lie on ER tables. It was a completely uneventful trip which was fantastic because that was the last place I wanted to go. I was put on a seizure medication that I seem to be tolerating, so that is great news. 12 years of seizures and now 2 grand mal seizures behind me I think I’ve put in my time there.
I was told I would be confused, and may have hallucinations for a week as my brain has been in an “electrical storm”. I am and I have. I put a list up to document my eating and drinking because I’ve forgotten if I have. I made my daughter lunch that I did not even remember and I probably won’t remember this post until I read it a few days from now. Today my husband called and I said HI MOM which immediately made me want to cry. One, because I have not spoken to my mother in 2 years and two because it is so upsetting that my brain is mush.
I decided enough was enough and it was time for my mindful walk. So I went out on my walk. I ran into a very kind woman who gave me an impromptu hug at hearing of my challenging few days and I took a few pictures. I then saw a girl waving at me with her dog. I then waved back. I then saw another woman with three dogs one of which came up to me. I told her as I pet her dog that she needed to hold onto her dog because there was another dog across the street at which point she informed me that there was no dog on the other side of the street and she wondered who I was waving at. AND at that point I knew my mindful walk was mush and I needed to go home and rest. She had the, “HOLY CRAZY” look in her eye when she told me this. It made me really think of the stigma on schizophrenia. On ALL mental health. The judgment, the eye rolling, the true misconception and unsympathetic nature of some people is astounding. It is no wonder that individuals keep their diagnosis to themselves. Well I am not one of those people and that is not what my blog is about. My blog is about keeping it real. So I hallucinated a girl and her dog. The doctors were not kidding!
Now, I will say that I have had small seizures for 12 years. But this particular seizure was brought on by a component that is directly related to abuse, flashbacks, and PTSD. THAT PISSES ME OFF. Some fucking pedophile preys on me and at 45 years old he is still affecting me. And NO TAMMI or any other reader of my blog, I am not “playing the victim”. I am allowed to be furious that I had a seizure that was related to something that a child abuser caused 30 years ago. I will not be denied. Neither should anyone else. I am speaking THE TRUTH. This is real life. There is NO PLAYING HERE. Sayeth the doctors that I have encountered in the last 3 days, PTSD triggers and huge stress levels can cause seizures and did. The medication I was on was not helping ALSO a direct result of being abused. So when I write this blog of what I go through it is not because I want to stay a victim. I share what happens as a result of BEING A VICTIM AND TRYING MY HARDEST TO BE A SURVIVOR.
The seizures have brought on terrifying nightmares all of the past abuse. Do I want this? No. do I choose this? No. my brain is going there when I sleep and it is the last thing I want.
The good news is I have a new seizure medication that will hopefully take one thing off of my plate. The seizures are the most trigggering of helplessness and vulnerability, so if I get rid of that component I am one step closer to having less episodes of dissociation due to PTSD. Here is to hope.
My arm is healing from the horse bite very well. I put a picture of today. Barely a bruise. While in the ER I was looking through my old photos and found this one of my sweetest baby boy Jess who passed away of cancer a year ago. My seizure alert dog, my loyal, ever loving, ever faithful, baby boy who I will miss forever and a day. So here I am with my mush of a mind Monday trying hard to be mindful. This is what I found.
Being mindful after having a group of seizures, sleepless nightmare nights, and ER visits is NOT easy. I made the choice to do it anyway. I will not let the childmolester win. I will persevere and find joy. Here is to all of my friends out there trying to make the most out of their challenging days. I honor you!