I have not had a pleasant week.
Yesterday the horse I adore grabbed my arm in her teeth, bit down and yanked me down. Now with my osteoporosis and muscle disease I just assumed, wrongly, that everything would be broken. It was excruciating and she would not let go. She just kept looking at me while pulling and biting.
I immediately poured alcohol on it. Because I didn’t know if it broke the skin. I carry things in my car, thankfully, then wrapped it tightly with an ace bandage, also kept in car, and kept it elevated for an hour as I screamed out right there in pain. It felt worse than a broken bone. I was sure something was damaged badly. My ribs also against the fence.
What was most upsetting: I was so shocked she did it that I just froze. I did not say anything. I did not move. I froze. I cannot remember what happened right before or after. That upsets me. One could easily say, well what were you supposed to do in an unknown situation. That wasn’t it. It was my fear/freeze that upset me. Second, I feel betrayed by an animal that I loved with all of my heart. So I immediately made excuses. She was showing dominance. She was establishing the pecking order. She was angry I didn’t have food. She didn’t mean it to be aggressive. She was aggitated with the goat and donkey. The list goes on. I was going to go back today and not let one bad moment ruin my “happy place.” I was going to just love her anyway. Then I told my daughter and husband about what happened. They spoke logically about what she did and how me going back to pet her again was not wise. So I questioned myself. Why would I go back to someone who hurt me. Do I so desperately want to ignore the feelings of betrayal and hurt. Why do I let others hurt me and just take it. Why do I give second chances when that will result in the same outcome. Pain. A few days prior she grabbed my ipad and bit it and i thought it was funny. I didn’t put it together until my daughter did, that this was the second time she has grabbed at me. So I am incredibly upset at myself most of all. That after everything in my life I am willing to still not set up a boundary for my own protection. The list goes on about why I am upset about her. Her reasonings don’t matter. My lack of ability to make a wise choice does. Now I could go back and not touch her but touch the goat. That option is there at some point. But for now. My place of true joy and happiness is on hold perhaps permanently. After I got up, from her, I was determined to still find something good. I almost ran over a squirrel, could you imagine my dismay if that happened, and I almost got struck by lightening. I could NOT go home on this note. So I drove with my “bad” arm, horse hurt the good one, to search. I found nothing. I came home and got into my wheelchair and was determined to find something good. In my wheelchair I made it halfway around the block and lightening struck so close to me the hairs stood up on my arm. I learned that sometimes you cannot find good! You have to make it. I took a hot shower and decided that was my good and spent some good quality time with my daughter watching some seriously offensive yet entertaining tv Bachelor in Paradise.
Today, the good news was, my arm was not broken. So the fragility of my body is not what I have been told OR a guardian angel was watching over my body. Who is to say. It is bruised and there’s is a lump and I am sore. But otherwise the positive was that my body is stronger than I imagined. And when you can find a positive that is a victory.
Then tonight something was off. Smells were bothering me. They were too strong. Food. I was smelling deodorant. It was irritating me. I was nauseous. I started feeling jittery and thought ok I am having a panic over these smells so I asked for help instead of dissociating. I asked my husband to help me through the moment. I sat down next to him and I had a grand mal seizure. It was horrifying. My peripheral vision closed in to darkness and everything was black. Then poof it just came back with light of the tv. After it passed I took valium at the level I was told for seizures. I had 2 more seizures before it worked. During that time I felt demons were coming for me. I felt paranoia, fear, vulnerability, and every other emotion under the sun, or rather darkness. I started crying for no reason. My husband comforted me and held me and told me everything would be ok. He assured me no demons were there but it didn’t make me feel any better. It is now 4 hours later and I know the demons are not there. What is scary is that seizures and the brain and the wiring can create some scary shit! And I have no idea what caused it. Sresss, PTSD/smell/dissociation. No clue. It is the second grandmal seizure I have had in a year. The last one developed high Ck levels and lactic acidosis so they pumped me full of fluids at the hospital. This time I was told how to manage this at home. It requires large amounts of fluids but I can do it and that makes me feel better. The more vulnerable the more stress and the more likelihood this will happen again. Hospital equals all of that. So I have no answers.
The positive is my husband was home. I was cared for. I was loved. I am being closely monitored. I will have no recolection of writing this blog and I know that but I am writing it anyway because it is distracting me from sitting here pondering they why’s of seizures and what I will do next with my health. The positive is that although every single square inch of my body hurts (my husband said it was a very violent seizure), nothing broke and I am just in pain.
So my week has been unpleasant for many reasons. But I have learned some lessons. I have also seen that my body, even though it looks and feels like it is weak and breaking down, still has fight left in it.
AND I was only able to walk to the garage but on the door were all of these moths and bugs. Not everyone would find this “good” but if you have read my blog you will know that I find this as good. So today I was able to find the good. Even if just for a moment. This moment I am here at home, forcing gatorade down, with my daughter and husband safely here with me. Nothing better than that.